


This Is What I'll Have To Tell Our Children

by WyvernQuill



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (because why not), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dungeons & Dragons, Environmentalist!Merlin, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Supermarkets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 10:32:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16038683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WyvernQuill/pseuds/WyvernQuill
Summary: The truth is, Arthur had had a ring. And a speech. A plan, in short. Merlin would've been so romanced he'd have said yes before he even knew what hit him.And if he'd onlystuckto that plan, thenmaybehe wouldn't be kneeling in the supermarket's meat aisle with his foot in the freezer, holding a strawberry-flavoured ring pop and praying to the Triple Goddess that Merlin wouldn't read any of Gwaine's drunk texts.Well.He'd never know NOW, would he?





	This Is What I'll Have To Tell Our Children

**Author's Note:**

> The perfect antidote for an overdose of perfect, beautiful proposal fics, bearing the Gaius seal of approval.
> 
> And this one, Nugget, and this one!

"...and then she said 'not with _my_  frog, you fiend' and threw me, Arthur, and poor Merlin, who really _was_ quite innocent in the matter, right out of the pub!"

The entire wedding party, even Uther, who adapted a pained grimace not unlike that of a man with severe constipation every time he glimpsed the happy couple, was crying tears of laughter at this point of Gwaine's Best Man speech. He really was quite good at this.

"But of course this little narration of mine would never be complete without answering the question I have been asked multiple times in the past weeks: _why_ , by the gods, am _I_ Arthur's Best Man? Merlin's, yes, though I don't begrudge Gwennie the post, but the princess and I never quite saw eye to eye on various matters, mostly who was allowed in Merl's pants and who was  _not_ under pain of death, so why me? Well, I could just claim that it's because I throw the ULTIMATE stag-do, but, in truth, there's a bit of a story to it, which I will finally share with you this evening. Now, like all my best stories, it starts with me getting _outrageously_  drunk..."

 

 

Gwaine downed his twelfth-ish pint with a pained sound of miserable wallowing. He had rather hoped to pull this night, but apparently it was 'have a healthy exclusive relationship'-night at the Rising Sun and the fish - though many there were in Gwaine's sea, let it be said - wouldn't bite even after being shown articles about adultery or threesomes spicing up marriages.

By now Gwaine was well past sloshed and resolutely fumbled for his phone. Maybe persons of his acquaintance would settle for a drunken pity booty call.

Gwen, oh yes, lovely girl. He sent her a flower and eggplant emoji in quick succession, to which she replied with a pic of Lance - right, Lance, married, first child on the way, whoopsie - staring right into the camera in that noble way he had, basically radiating mournful disappointment and "I expected you to be a better man than this, Gwaine."

Well. That was them out. Elena was out of town for that riding thing of hers, Morgana didn't stoop to his ilk as she had made _painfully_  clear - literally - and Leon was too kind and pure for a one-night-stand, the man was prepared to take responsibility after _hugging_ someone. 

Now, who else could he...

 _Of course!_  Gwaine slammed his glass on the bar with a whoop of delight. _Merlin!_ How could he have forgotten about him? Dear friend, funnest guy in the world, always up for a bit of wild adventure, and he and Arthur were _always_ at each other's throats, like seriously,turbulences much?, so maybe he was lucky and they were 'off again' at the moment. 

Sure, Merls was absolutely _gone_ on the princess, but that was fine, Gwaine only wanted one good night out of this anyway.

And if he agreed... gods, the boy had _Cheekbones_. To die for, truly. Gwaine never could say no to Cheekbones, the only thing better was Shoulders in combination with Being Well Fit, but Percival had been off to visit his ailing gran since the weekend.

(Which was, in truth, why Gwaine was sitting at the pub drinking and getting progressively lonelier and hornier, both or either of which he was trying to remedy. It was the sign of a truly decent bloke, hopping off to care for his loved ones at a moment's notice, but Gwaine happened to miss him something fierce, so... that was that.)

Thus it was decided. Operation Seduce Merlin initiated.

 

"I don't _care_ if you want strawberries Arthur, they're _not in season_. Where do you think the corporations are getting them from, MAGIC? No, greenhouses or importing, disastrous CO2 emission balance, our planet is slowly _dying!_ Now stay and watch the shopping cart while I get produce that exists in autumn without killing the rainforest, you selfish dollophead!"

"Stupid environmentalist clotpole!"

"That's _MY_ word Arthur, and I might just not come back if you go on with this!"

"Yeah!? Well, you don't hear me complaining, MERLIN!"

"Go pick a bloody carcass to eat _alone_ , baby animal murderer!"

 

It took Gwaine ten minutes and a misguided propositioning of Mordred he would face the consequences for _hopefully never_ \- his name was very close to Merlin's in the phone's address book, okay? - but finally he had formulated a suave and irresistible message that would have Merls and his Cheekbones in his pants within minutes, it was _that_ charmingly seductive.

 

Merlin's phone in the shopping cart >ping!<ed just as Arthur was turning into the aisle with the meat displays. Under normal circumstances he would ignore it, but Arthur was in a right tiff and desperate for something potentially Merlin-damaging, so he snatched it up.

(The passcode turned out to be the date of their first kiss. Arthur fought hard to stay resolutely furious with the idiot.)

 

_1 new message from: Gwaine <3_

Hwy waaanna gst ovver athur, mrewlin? Id bee gamr if u r! 1 niggt, 1 bed, 1 grewt fjxk! Guxk. Fycl. U kno wht I men. xxx gwine

>eggplant emoji<

 

Perfect, Gwaine thought, leaning back and waiting for the answer of an enthusiastic yes that was sure to follow. The world had never seen its like, he was certain.

 

Arthur couldn't see, of course, but his face twisted unattractively in the exact same way his father displayed every time he came upon any sign of Merlins existing in Arthur's life. It was the Pendragon _I don't like this at all and it makes me want to commit vicious murder on animals and/or humans_ expression.

He took a deep, grounding breath, and serenely formulated an appropriate response with suitable tact, decorum, and bearing worthy of a Pendragon.

 

_To: Gwaine </3_

Why, hello, Gwaine!

This is Arthur on Merlin's phone.

You are _dead_  my dear friend. I will dismember you painfully if your thoughts ever so much as _turn_ in the vague direction of one of Merlin's acquaintances. Thank you for your concern, but we're doing _fine_ , Merlin and I are FINE, AND EVEN IF WE WERE BROKEN UP BECAUSE MERLIN SOMEHOW GOT TOO STUPID TO REALISE WHAT A CATCH I AM AND HE CAN'T POSSIBLY DO BETTER GORGEOUS CHEEKBONES OR NO, HE'S NOT. FOR. YOU!!!

***Back. Off.***

 

Arthur nearly threw the phone into the cart so viciously it would pierce the yogurt package and drown in it, but just as he was taking aim...

>ping!<

 

_1 new message from: Gwaine <3_

Rlax, pwimcesss! U r wrking n it, im glads, ill jst bid my timme. Mu chhanxe wll cpme snd thn ill gst teh chreeekbnes!

>winky face sticking out tongue<

 

The murdery expression returned with a vengeance, now complete with twitchy eyelid.

Arthur didn't hesitate for a second, just growled "oh, so _that's_ how it is, is it..." and jabbed the keyboard on the screen so viciously he nearly damaged the phone.

 

Gwaine was grinning so hard his face nearly split. For one, he'd managed to _properly_ rile up the princess, which was always a delight, his hissy fits were the stuff of legends, and secondly, while he was waiting for Arthur's next active-aggressive response of vicious territory-marking, he'd gotten a message from Percival announcing the improvement of his gran's health and plans to return on the night train. Shoulders it was! Gwaine wasn't disappointed in the least.

And when he read Arthur's next message, the night just got better and _better._

With a gleeful cackle, he opened the Camelot group chat.

_Guys, you WILL NOT BELIEVE THESE NEWS..._

 

Arthur had a few seconds of deeply satisfying vindictive glee, until some... _implications_ dawned on him.

Both the blood and the expression of grim delight left his face, settling in his stomach as a heavy cold lump of dread. He'd just... he'd written...

 

Well, you can turn blue waiting, because get THIS: Merlin is _mine!_ I am never letting him go, and we didn't break up, _IN FACT WE'RE ENGAGED NOW_ , so SOD OFF, GWAINE!!!

 

Arthur had, of course, thought about how he would deal with his and Merlin's relationship reaching a new level, and how he would happily share this fact with all his friends. In fact, it was the second-best thing about being engaged to Merlin, right behind _being engaged to Merlin,_ so that really wasn't the problem.

The problem was, he wasn't. Engaged to Merlin, that was. The clotpole probably wouldn't even want to be, if the way they had parted in the cereal aisle was any indication.

And yet, he'd just blurted this fondest dream of his out to Gwaine, Albion's Queen of Gossip, He of the Quick Messaging Fingers, Not-Keeper of Secrets.

...>ping!<

>ping!< >ping!<

>ping!ping!ping!ping!ping!ping!<

Arthur stared at the congratulatory messages popping up on Merlin's phone in horror. Gwen, Morgana, Gaius, the entire Camelot Round Table Knights footie team, that creepy Killgarah guy Merlin's dad was buddies with, Hunith, Balinor himself, gods was that _Arthur's father_ stiffly offering well-wishes!?

This... had escalated. Badly so.

Well, the Pendragon line could trace its descent from the olden kings, great warriors who fought vicious battles without fear or falter.

Arthur scraped together all the steely determination he could gather in the sadly quite uninspiring surroundings of a supermarket, and made a decision.

Time to prove himself worthy of being as-good-as a Once and Future King.

...

...

...

...which he would obviously do by turning off Merlin's phone and drowning it in the yogurt while ferociously praying to both the Old and New Religion that all his friends would submerge their phones in liquid as well and collectively develop spontaneous-onset amnesia.

Classy, Artie. Actions worthy of a true king.

He heroically vanquished the phone's on/off-switch, and was just continuing on his quest to dump the carcass in the moors of Jo-Kurt when Destiny quite obviously conspired against him.

 

"Arthur? _What_ are you doing?" He whirled around to see Merlin eying him suspiciously, one gigantic pumpkin cradled in his arms. "I mean, I knew you were a vindictive prat, but messing with my phone, that's just _low._ "

Of course the on/off-button chose this exact moment to spite Arthur and make clear he had not exterminated it at all, phone letting loose a scathing >PING!< into the silence.

Arthur saw his imminent demise in the eye, and it said _can I be flower girl? - Percival_. He was terrified on so many levels.

Merlin, meanwhile, had shifted the pumpkin to be supported by one arm and his left hip, and was holding out his hand, frowning at him in that endearingly grumpy _'keep in mind that your body is biodegradable so I'll have no regrets dumping it deep in the forest where nobody'll ever find it'_ way of his. "Just give me the phone and I'll see how fixable the damage you undoubtedly did to my social media accounts is."

_Not very, Merlin. To my infinite regret._

Faced with the unimaginable fate of handing the phone over and the terrible repercussions that would have on his life - namely Merlin not being in it anymore - Arthur thought quickly.

Not _particularly_ quickly objectively, most of his frontal cortex was floundering - and no, _Mer_ lin, that was _not_ usual for him - due to being steeped liberally in rising panic, but quick enough to centre on an idea that was... a long shot, certainly, and more 'it's all going to hell anyway, might as well give it a solid push downwards' than damage control.

In other words, an awful idea that was only even worthy of considering for lack of competition.

Merlin always _had_ been the strategic one between them, Arthur couldn't plan if his life depended on it.

Splendid. Just _marvellous_. The one time he'd gladly grovel and beg for advice as Merlin - damnable smug little prat - usually demanded, he _couldn't ask him._

Resigning himself to possibly be strangled with one of Merlin's ratty _they're-vintage-Arthur-you-philistine_ -neckerchiefs, Arthur awkwardly hunkered down. There wasn't really enough space for a proper kneel and his left elbow was sort of sticking into the freezer, capriciously balanced on a frozen pheasant, but he was making do.

Merlin's expression had shifted from 'I have never despised you more' to 'I'm _this_ close to calling a psycholodruid', which was... marginally better for his chances of success, actually.

 

"Merlin." Arthur started. "My... love." He awkwardly tacked on. "I have a... proposal... to make. Literally."

Arthur held up the ring pop originally intended for Morgana's adoptive daughter, little Aithusa, which they had luckily already put into the shopping cart. If they'd bypassed the sweets aisle for a quicker way to the dairy displays, Arthur would've found himself in a right pickle.

Well, a righter pickle than he already was in.

Merlin's eyes widened to a size that nearly rivaled his _ridiculous_ \- and deliciously biteable - ears, and he promptly dropped the pumpkin.

Onto Arthur's foot. 

"Bloody OW! Merlin, you idiot!" Well, a few setbacks were to be expected. Arthur rearranged himself to replace his elbow with his mangled foot in the freezer to stop any swelling, which messed the kneel up further and made him look slightly ridiculous, but one had to roll with the punches if one accidentally divulged falsified engagement news to one's horny and drunk acquaintance over the love of one's life's phone, hadn't one.

At least Merlin hadn't stomped off in a huff yet as was usual, remaining rooted in place with that odd wide-eyed dead-fish look that made him seem very clotpolish indeed, hands still cradling - but _too bloody loosely_ \- an invisible pumpkin.

His jaw was hanging open a little bit. Arthur hated himself for thinking that even _this_ wasn't a wholly unattractive look on the idiot.

Right. Proposal. Get on with it then.

 

"Yes. Well. So. I had... have, _have_ a speech planned for quite, uh, a while, but..." _but I can't remember a damn word of it now_. "A-anyway, sorry for the lack of non-edible ring, I have, in fact, a proper one in my _other_ coat, believe it or not, because..." Arthur took a deep breath, eyes sliding away involuntarily to avoid Merlin's unblinking stare, it wasn't particularly motivating, and continued haltingly.

"I've had that ring since... I believe it was the _second_ time we met, D &D at Elyan's place, you played your unstoppable Warlock and helped my Paladin level, remember? Anyway, I just... I knew then. That you were _it_ for me, that I'd marry you or... no one, _ever._ I just knew that. But I also knew that you were a bit slow and annoying and contrary and probably already in love with Lance because _everybody_ is in love with bloody Lancelot. So. So I tried to tell myself I was just having a weird _moment_ or something, and it'd pass. And then our party got ambushed by that old witch-siren who tried to put us all to sleep and kill us, remember? And instead of doing something _sensible_ like send a fire-blast at her or something, you decided to do a sodding _time-slowing spell_ , snap the cord of the chandelier and then have enough time to also shove me out of harm's way." 

Arthur knew he was rambling and why was he recounting that story anyway oh gods he couldn't stop and Merlin still hadn't blinked... "It was ridiculous and the sweetest thing and you looked so giddy and determined and _beautiful_ , I told myself _'if he rolls the damned 20 he needs for the spell, I'm putting a ring on that'._ "

He fiddled awkwardly with the ring pop. Behind him, an elderly woman was pushing a shopping cart with a squeaky wheel.

"You're, uh, really very lucky at D&D sometimes."

Merlin blinked. Well, finally. Didn't do much more though.

The squeaking stopped.

"It's a beautiful ring and I've been carrying it on our first date and nearly every day after, but, uh, never really found occasion to... to... we were always _bickering_ , and I figured I'd ask once we got more comfortable around each other, stop having fights. ...which has yet to happen, though. I was beginning to think it simply wasn't meant to be, but... at the same time I knew, _knew_ that it most definitely was. Is. You are the One, Merlin. The One for me. This is what Destiny feels like." 

Arthur glanced up, smiling awkwardly. "So. You can say no, of course, but I just... I'm just gonna try something here." Another deep breath. 

"Merlin Emrys, you terrible, beautiful creature, you sweet, kind-hearted idealist, you brilliant, _brilliant_ man... will you do me the _tremendous_ honour of becoming my..."

 

"Excuse me, dearie?"

Arthur froze mid-proposal. The lady with the squeaky-wheeled cart was gently tapping him on the shoulder.

"Could you pass me the ham over there? You _are_ blocking the aisle quite effectively at the moment."

Arthur's eyes swiveled over to the ham in question. Well. He was a knight at heart, always had been, so he'd just...

"Oh, gods, no, don't take _that_ one!" He groaned, having stuffed the ring pop in the pocket of his coat and leaned over to grasp the packaging in question. "That company keeps pigs in pens too small for them to _turn_ , and feeds them antibiotics by the bucketful. _This_ ham..." Arthur had to twist a little further, aching foot wobbling precariously on the frozen pheasant to grasp the alternative, "...is produced organically with the well-being of animal _and_ consumer in mind, and it's only ten coppers more, that's not..."

"You _listen_ when I rant about animal welfare!?"

Oh. Merlin had finally decided to say something. Of course it was about this and not about, ah, Arthur didn't know, the  _PROPOSAL_ which had just been interrupted, of _bloody_ course.

" _Naturally_ I..." Arthur began, but twisting to look up at Merlin while still stretching had not been a wise decision, as the frozen pheasant dislodged and he ungracefully crumpled to the floor.

"Oh dear me!" The elderly woman helped him up, fussing over his now-dusty coat. "You're not _hurt_ , are you?"

"NO." Arthur gritted out. "I've just been interrupted in the middle of the _most important sentence of my sodding life_ for a chunk of brutally tortured sow - YES, Merlin, I listen, I even _sympathise_ sometimes, I've been cutting down on meat if you'd even bother to notice - so if you don't have anything _better_ to do than sabotage the only relationship in my life worth having..."

"Sabotage? Dear boy, no." The elderly woman took the ham from Arthur's hand, patting it gently. "I wholeheartedly approve. You'll be very happy together, I'm sure."

"I'm not." Arthur muttered grimly, but since that weird shocked stasis Merlin still seemed to be in wouldn't last forever, he'd better continue. Sooner rather than later, he'd realise how truly ludicrous it was for Arthur to propose in front of a meat freezer in the wake of an argument that had ended with the words "baby animal murderer", and Arthur would rather like to have at least finished proposing by then.

 

"Yes. Ehem. Willyoubemyhusband?"

There. He'd said it. Arthur kept his eyes squeezed shut for a moment, but when no answer was forthcoming, he hesitantly opened one. Then the other.

"Oh, _really_ Merlin, do cease gaping like that! It's a simple question, yes or no! Even your idiot brain should be able to formulate that!"

Another prolonged bout of silence. Arthur's palms were getting really very sweaty. Merlin's stare was drifting from the more-favourable 'stunned' into the not-very-promising 'incredulous', bordering dangerously on 'appalled'.

"Oh, no, no no no! Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have said any of the things before you went to get the pumpkin, I _don't_ want you to ever not come back..."

"Are you kidding me." Merlin finally said flatly.

Arthur's jaw snapped shut instantly. Well, not entirely, he blurted out a desperate last-stand "Iloveyoudon'tdumpme" in the hope that Merlin would just shut his stupid proposal idea down right now and would consider it an October's Fools prank or something, mercifully not leaving Arthur... just yet.

A few more stolen days to charge up on _Merlin_ to last him for the rest of his miserable existence, that was all Arthur was asking for, really.

"You are." Merlin shook his head, barking out a humourless laugh. "You just proposed to me in the _meat aisle_ during our weekly _grocery run_ with a _ring pop_ and a speech that was ninety percent _Dungeons and Dragons_. Gods, you are _such_ a cabbagebrain." Merlin was walking in an agitated circle, more muttering than speaking, frown firmly fixed on his features.

Yes. Alright. Arthur got the message.

 

"T-that's a no then. Of c-course, I... I understand." He sniffed, for once not ashamed of the tear making its way down his cheek. One was allowed to have a cry if one had just permanently alienated the love of one's life with one's absolutely idiotic ideas. "I'll just... j-just leave now, you can keep the flat, p-put my things on the curb if you don't w-want to >sniff< see me ever again, I'd under- understand..." 

Arthur turned away, resigning himself to a lifetime of heartbreak and eating ice cream from the tub, having everything taste salty because now he'd started crying, he didn't think he'd ever be capable of stopping. The elderly lady was still there, and Arthur wondered if she'd consent to giving him a hug, he desperately needed one right about now, and if just to steel himself for calling every single one of his friends to explain that the engagement wasn't and _would never be_ happening.

"Honestly!" Merlin threw his hands in the air, clearly not paying attention to Arthur, just rambling on. "I plan for _half a year_ , get the _perfect_ ring, plan the _perfect_ picnic and find the _perfect_ standing-stones circle - deserted on Samhain, you have no _idea_ how rare that is - just so I can _propose_ when and where the Veil is thinnest, and _bloody_ Arthur _bloody_ Pendragon can't wait _another week_ for it! HIS MOTHER' S SPIRIT CAN'T BEAR WITNESS TO A PROPOSAL AT THE SUPERMARKET, CAN SHE!?"

...

...oh.

OH.

Arthur slowly turned, staring at Merlin's _furiously_ indignant expression. 

"Y-you..."

This was a cruel, cruel jest Destiny was playing on him, wasn't it? Or maybe lightning _had_ , in fact, struck him dead when he had wished for it, right after realising what message he had just sent to Gwaine, and this was the afterlife? A world in which Merlin had planned to propose to _him_ in the sweetest, most thoughtful way imaginable certainly was heaven to Arthur...

"I'm not scrapping those plans though!" Merlin whirled around, nearly prompting a cascade of frozen salamis with the hem of his jacket, stabbing a finger into Arthur's chest. "We're having a _do-over_ on Samhain, you owe me that much, _at the bloody supermarket_ , THIS IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO TELL OUR CHILDREN! Do you _want_ little darling Ygraine and baby Arthur Jr. to become disillusioned with marriage, DO YOU!?"

 

It was _gradually_ dawning on Arthur that Merlin's response might not be _quite_ as 'no' as he'd assumed its 'no'-ness to be.

 

Maybe. Better clarify.

"I-is that a..."

"YES, Arthur. Gods, I must be mad, but yes. Yes to marriage, yes to Destiny, and yes to seeing _your_ ugly mug every morning and every evening and all the time in between. _You listen to my rants._ I can't _possibly_ do better!"

Of _bloody_ course that was what clinched it for Merlin, but Arthur couldn't be _arsed_ to care less, honestly.

Not when Merlin was slamming him into the shelves, kissing him within an inch of his life, uncaring of the packages digging into Arthur's back or the clapping and cheering going on somewhere in their vague vicinity - possibly the elderly ham lady - or even of his own phone still silently >ping!<ing in their shopping cart, right between the egg carton and the fair-trade chocolate bars.

 

After a quite vigorous and highly enjoyable snogging session, Merlin pulled away with a soft, wet smacking sound, which Arthur instantly declared his archenemy because it signalled Merlin not kissing him anymore.

"Hey, look!" Both their hands had wandered all over in the last few... minutes? Hours? Arthur was a little too dazed to know, and Merlin now retrieved his from Arthur's coat pocket, holding up a little velvet box with that radiant, eye-corner-crinkling grin that gave Arthur life and instantly made him forgive the smacking sound simply because it predated it. "'Course you'd mix up which coat you left this in, _dollophead_. " The insult, Arthur noted, was delivered with no uncertain amount of fondness which quite warmed his heart.

(If he'd been a little more sentient, it might've occurred to him that this now-empty pocket of his should only be containing the ring pop he'd haphazardly stuffed into it, not feeling any other object at the time.)

"Oh, _Arthur_... This _is_ beautiful. Isn't it the one your mother wears in the old pictures?"

Arthur blinked. Gaped a little as Merlin worked the old - yes, _old_ , inexplicably - ring out of its velvet confines, wearing the most endearingly awed smile as he watched it glitter under the harsh supermarket lights, being beautiful and delicate and _decidedly not the ring Arthur had bought._

He briefly contemplated informing Merlin of that fact, but he was turning that awed, adoring look on _him_ now, so Arthur decided _sod it all_ and snatched the ring out of Merlin's hand, working it onto his _fiancé's_ (!) ring finger blindly due to another snog taking place during said action.

Destiny, Arthur decided, was a Very Good Thing.

 

Gwaine's gossip, not so much, but Destiny worked In Mysterious Ways after all.

 

(And if the two of them hadn't been so preoccupied, they might've seen an elderly lady, clutching the oddest combination of items - organic ham and a ring pop - to her chest and smiling at them, gaze fixed on Ygraine's old engagement ring on her soon-to-be son-in-law's finger. Her expression was so profoundly, _motherly_ loving that it seemed to melt the years from her, until her eyes were clear and blue and her soft locks golden rather than white. "I approve wholeheartedly," they might've heard her repeat. "And you _will_ be very happy, Arthur my love, I _am_ sure. Don't let dear Uther pretend otherwise."

Then, she walked around the shelf, and even if Arthur and Merlin had had the presence of mind to run after her, to search the entire supermarket top to bottom, they wouldn't have found her again.

She was simply gone.)

 

 

"So I corralled the sheep, destroyed all evidence, and then I said, to Arthur I said," Gwaine gestured with his wineglass, grinning broadly, "'Princess, you better make me Best Man if you ever scrape enough balls together to propose, because I don't think either of us wants Merlin to know about this!' And so he did. Nothing better than blackmail!"

He drained his glass to roaring applause.

"I thought," Arthur said faintly, looking very pale in his wedding suit, "you'd tell them the  _other_ story, the one with the texts."

"Bah!" Gwaine waved him away. "That was a boring one!"

"I would've preferred it though."

Gwaine sat back down in his seat. "Why?"

" _Because,_ " Merlin answered in Arthur's stead, smiling sweetly and very, very dangerously, "that's the one he _told_ me about."

"...oh." Gwaine said.

The reception crowd was very quiet all of a sudden.

 

"Merlin, my favourite son-in-law," Uther piped up, with a hopeful glimmer in his eye, "I know a  _very_ good divorce lawyer."

**Author's Note:**

> After lots of lovely people liked the last ludicrous litany, I worked hard to get this polished and out as soon as possible. Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> (Credit where credit is due, half of the ridiculous happenings were Nugget's idea. Team effort!)


End file.
